But will ewe love me tomorrow?

Science told: hands off gay sheep

(insert you own jokes along the way)

Scientists are conducting experiments to change the sexuality of “gay” sheep in a programme that critics fear could pave the way for breeding out homosexuality in humans.

The technique being developed by American researchers adjusts the hormonal balance in the brains of homosexual rams so that they are more inclined to mate with ewes.

It raises the prospect that pregnant women could one day be offered a treatment to reduce or eliminate the chance that their offspring will be homosexual. Experts say that, in theory, the “straightening” procedure on humans could be as simple as a hormone supplement for mothers-to-be, worn on the skin like an anti-smoking nicotine patch.

The research, at Oregon State University in the city of Corvallis and at the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland, has caused an outcry. Martina Navratilova, the lesbian tennis player who won Wimbledon nine times, and scientists and gay rights campaigners in Britain have called for the project to be abandoned.

Navratilova defended the “right” of sheep to be gay. She said: “How can it be that in the year 2006 a major university would host such homophobic and cruel experiments?” She said gay men and lesbians would be “deeply offended” by the social implications of the tests.

All right, I just have to interrupt here. Now, while I’m sure being an ex-lesbian tennis star (ex tennis star, not ex lesbian) makes you an expert on tennis, and it probably makes you an expert on being a lesbian, I’m not so sure it makes you an expert on gay sheep and their constitutional rights.

I haven’t read the constitution in a while, but I don’t remember the part that gives farm animals the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

But the researchers argue that the work is valid, shedding light on the “broad question” of what determines sexual orientation. They insist the work is not aimed at “curing” homosexuality.

Approximately one ram in 10 prefers to mount other rams rather than mate with ewes, reducing its value to a farmer. Initially, the publicly funded project aimed to improve the productivity of herds.

















Maybe all the ewes were two-baaagers...

By varying the hormone levels, mainly by injecting hormones into the brain, they have had “considerable success” in altering the rams’ sexuality, with some previously gay animals becoming attracted to ewes.

As this article continues, it just sinks into the bowels of silliness. On page 2, they bring Hitler into the controversy, and some professor from Glasgow actually utters the sentence; “Imagine this technology in the hands of Iran.”

That’s where my head exploded and I started screaming “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GAY SHEEP!” Just stupid scientists.

There are all kinds of instances in the animal kingdom where male animals mount other males. Monkeys do it all the time in adolescence. They’re not actually trying to have sex with them; it’s more of a social, teenage thing.

In other species, it’s always going to be a dominance thing. It’s the alpha whatever’s way of saying, “See, I can make you my bitch, I can dominate you. Now respect me.”

Hey, it works in prison.

There’s just no such thing as a “gay” animal.

Poodles and Richard Simmons don’t count...

Read on