Line upon line, precept upon precept.

Looking like a deranged deer caught in the headlights at Indy 500, George Bush addressed the world last night. With all the confidence of a 14-year-old boy at his first school dance, Bush laid out the 2nd 5th 7th final plan to win the war.

I’ll touch on some of the highlights. If they sound familiar, it’s because they are. Same song, second verse, only with a lot less feeling.

“Tonight in Iraq, the armed forces of the United States are engaged in a struggle that will determine the direction of the global war on terror and our safety here at home.”

These were the first words out of his mouth. In case you missed it, or are just so used to the little boy who cried wolf, this is where you’re supposed to feel fear at the possibility of another attack here in America. Unfortunately, we’re all too afraid of our own president to be much afraid of anything else at the moment.

“The new strategy I outline tonight will change America's course in Iraq and help us succeed in the fight against terror.”

I’m just wondering; if we had these great ideas, this secret-successful strategy, why didn't we implemented them before?

“When I addressed you just over a year ago, nearly 12 million Iraqis had cast their ballots for a unified and democratic nation. The elections of 2005 were a stunning achievement.”

Ah yes, the great Purple Finger Achievement of 2005. So how’s that workin’ out?

“We thought that these elections would bring the Iraqis together and, that as we trained Iraqi security forces, we could accomplish our mission with fewer American troops.

But in 2006, the opposite happened. The violence in Iraq, particularly in Baghdad, overwhelmed the political gains the Iraqis had made. Al Qaida terrorists and Sunni insurgents recognized the mortal danger that Iraq's elections posed for their cause. And they responded with outrageous acts of murder aimed at innocent Iraqis.

They blew up one of the holiest shrines in Shia Islam -- the Golden Mosque of Samarra -- in a calculated effort to provoke Iraq's Shia population to retaliate.

Their strategy worked. Radical Shia elements, some supported by Iran, formed death squads. And the result was a vicious cycle of sectarian violence that continues today.”

This tells me that:

A. Somebody didn’t do his homework on the enemy before starting this little war. You always do your homework. Again, this is the same school of thought that assumed that we would be welcomed as liberators and that the Iraqis would busy themselves sticking daisies in our guns. This is “Know Thy Enemy” 101.

B. Shift the blame. It’s not our fault (See A above), it’s those damned Sunnis.

C. Iran better batten down their hatches. Read between the lines. We’re coming after you.

“The situation in Iraq is unacceptable to the American people, and it is unacceptable to me. Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do. Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me.”

And how do you fix your mistakes? By running (not walking) with abandon head-first into more of them. By not listening to a single voice who may be offering a solution. By throwing more gas on the already all-consuming fire. By stuffing your cannons full of even more, precious fodder.

“It is clear that we need to change our strategy in Iraq (but we won’t). So my national security team, military commanders and diplomats conducted a comprehensive review (which I have ignored). We consulted members of Congress from both parties, allies abroad, and distinguished outside experts (I’m ignoring them too).

We benefited from the thoughtful recommendations of the Iraq Study Group (we ignored every single recommendation), a bipartisan panel led by former Secretary of State James Baker and former Congressman Lee Hamilton. In our discussions, we all agreed that there is no magic formula for success in Iraq. And one message came through loud and clear: Failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States.”

Get ready for it, I can see it, here it comes, MORE FEAR! Man I love the smell of predictability in the morning!

“The consequences of failure are clear: Radical Islamic extremists would grow in strength and gain new recruits (See A). They would be in a better position to topple moderate governments, create chaos in the region and use oil revenues to fund their ambitions (See B). Iran would be emboldened in its pursuit of nuclear weapons (See C). Our enemies would have a safe haven from which to plan and launch attacks on the American people (See D).”

A. Um, somebody really ought to tell Bush that it’s the hatred of America since the start of the war that has caused the growth of extremists.

B. Oil revenues...hmmmm. And who would be better fit to watch over oil revenues, hmmm?

C. I already told you, Iran, we’re coming after you. You’re next. Bush isn’t slipping this language into his speech accidentally. He’s trying to soften up America to the idea of attacking Iran, has been for a while now.

D. Just in case you missed the first subtle bit of fear-mongering up above.

“On September the 11th, 2001…”

Ok let me just stop right here. He’s been invoking 9-11 since 9-12, and it worked, for a while. But it doesn’t work anymore. The American people know Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. 9-11 doesn’t scare us anymore. And yet, he trots it out every time he has an audience. So just for fun, let’s visit the old 9-11 song and dance one more time, shall we? You know the words, feel free to sing along...

“On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities. For the safety of our people, America must succeed in Iraq.”

If we don’t fight ‘em over there, we’ll have to fight ‘em over here. We could sing this in three-part harmony. And just for fun, if when reading this speech you insert the phrase “civil war” every time Bush tries to pronounce “sectarian violence”, it makes the speech much more vivid and colorful (and truthful).

Bush then goes on to explain his new and improved plan and why it will work.

“Many listening tonight will ask why this effort will succeed when previous operations to secure Baghdad did not.

Here are the differences.

In earlier operations, Iraqi and American forces cleared many neighborhoods of terrorists and insurgents but, when our forces moved on to other targets, the killers returned. This time, we will have the force levels we need to hold the areas that have been cleared.”

So are we to assume that we’ll be putting in a Wal-Mart and setting up shop? Because that’s what it will take. The Axis of Evil has proven to be a much more patient foe than we. They’ll just wait us out. This in turn will give Bush the perfect excuse to become a permanent, occupying force in Iraq and thus control the land and it resources (oil). See how well this new plan works out for Bush, Cheney and all their cronies? Maybe he’s not so dumb after all…

“I have made it clear to the prime minister and Iraq's other leaders that America's commitment is not open-ended. If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people. And it will lose the support of the Iraqi people.”

But open-ended is exactly what Bush has said for four years, that we’d stay until the job is done, as long as was necessary, as long as it takes. And I’m pretty sure that the leaders in Iraq have already figured out that they’ve lost the support of the American people. Perhaps, in one of their many conversations with Bush, they would be so kind as to alert him to this fact.

“This new strategy will not yield an immediate end to suicide bombings, assassinations or IED attacks. Our enemies in Iraq will make every effort to ensure that our television screens are filled with images of death and suffering (A).

Yet, over time, we can expect to see Iraqi troops chasing down murderers, fewer brazen acts of terror, and growing trust and cooperation from Baghdad's residents (B).”

A. In other words, expect more of the same. More of your kids dying. More of your husbands being maimed. Expect it. Because this is what my new plan is going to bring you.

B. Over time. Over time? How much time? How long can we expect the images of death and suffering to be filling our television screens? Dunno. But I suspect it’s at least for two more years or until impeachment, whichever happens first.

“We will help the Iraqis build a larger and better-equipped Army, and we will accelerate the training of Iraqi forces, which remains the essential U.S. security mission in Iraq.”

First thing on the agenda: to actually provide them with bullets, which they do not have now. Oh yeah, and guns. They’ll need guns to put the bullets in. They don’t have those either.

“We will give our commanders and civilians greater flexibility to spend funds for economic assistance.”

Oh good God. Because what this war needs is more spending.

“Succeeding in Iraq also requires defending its territorial integrity and stabilizing the region in the face of the extremist challenge.

This begins with addressing Iran and Syria. These two regimes are allowing terrorists and insurgents to use their territory to move in and out of Iraq. Iran is providing material support for attacks on American troops. We will disrupt the attacks on our forces. We will interrupt the flow of support from Iran and Syria.
And we will seek out and destroy the networks providing advanced weaponry and training to our enemies in Iraq.”

And there it is. This is the real plan, folks. Any day now, at any time, the news wonks are going to break into your regular television program to announce that this war has now spilled over into Syria and Iran. Bush has been chomping at the bit to attack both, and with Israel also on the verge of attack, this is the perfect storm. I’m just wondering where Bush will get both the manpower and the funding. Knowing him, he’ll just take both (draft, anyone?).

And just in case there is any doubt:

“We will expand intelligence sharing, and deploy Patriot air defense systems to reassure our friends and allies. We will work with the governments of Turkey and Iraq to help them resolve problems along their border. And we will work with others to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons and dominating the region.”

Because domination is our job, dammit! And will this “intelligence sharing” be the same intelligence that brought us WMDs and yellow cake? Wow, I bet our friends and allies are thrilled at that prospect.

“The challenge playing out across the broader Middle East is more than a military conflict. It is the decisive ideological struggle of our time. On one side are those who believe in freedom and moderation. On the other side are extremists who kill the innocent, and have declared their intention to destroy our way of life.”

Oh good grief, not the “Haters of Freedom” excuse again. The “Haters of Freedom” chant is as tired as the “Fight ‘em over there or we’ll fight ‘em over here” rally. They don’t hate freedom, Mr. Bush. They hate you.

“In the long run, the most realistic way to protect the American people is to provide a hopeful alternative to the hateful ideology of the enemy, by advancing liberty across a troubled region. It is in the interests of the United States to stand with the brave men and women who are risking their lives to claim their freedom, and help them as they work to raise up just and hopeful societies across the Middle East.”

Sounds a lot like nation-building to me, and I thought we weren't nation builders, Mr. Bush…

"From Afghanistan to Lebanon to the Palestinian Territories, millions of ordinary people are sick of the violence and want a future of peace and opportunity for their children. And they are looking at Iraq.

They want to know: Will America withdraw and yield the future of that country to the extremists, or will we stand with the Iraqis who have made the choice for freedom?”

Ooooh, do ya feel the guilt? This is worse than my mother…

“Let me be clear: The terrorists and insurgents in Iraq are without conscience, and they will make the year ahead bloody and violent. Even if our new strategy works exactly as planned, deadly acts of violence will continue. And we must expect more Iraqi and American casualties.

The question is whether our new strategy will bring us closer to success. I believe that it will.”

No, Mr. Bush, the question is, how do you sleep at night. How do you sleep knowing you’ve just signed the death warrants of perhaps thousands of more Americans because you can’t or won’t admit you were wrong? How do you lay your head on your pillow knowing you’ve just created a whole new round of widows and orphans with your new and improved, pie in the sky, plan for success? The terrorists and insurgents are not the only ones devoid of a conscience, nor will they be solely responsible for the bloody year ahead. We’ve seen the enemy, and the enemy is you…

“Victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved. There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship.”

Will it look like a big honkin’ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ceremony on the deck of a battleship? We like those.

“Our new approach comes after consultations with Congress about the different courses we could take in Iraq.

Many are concerned that the Iraqis are becoming too dependent on the United States and, therefore, our policy should focus on protecting Iraq's borders and hunting down Al Qaida. Their solution is to scale back America's efforts in Baghdad or announce the phased withdrawal of our combat forces.

We carefully considered these proposals. And we concluded that to step back now would force a collapse of the Iraqi government, tear that country apart, and result in mass killings on an unimaginable scale.

Such a scenario would result in our troops being forced to stay in Iraq even longer, and confront an enemy that is even more lethal. If we increase our support at this crucial moment, and help the Iraqis break the current cycle of violence, we can hasten the day our troops begin coming home.”

Hmmm, to withdraw troops would result in our troops being forced to stay even longer. If we send more troops, they get to come home sooner. Excuse me while I’ll go get an Advil. And just for the record, apparently the only one you listened to in Congress was McCain. Oh, and lapdog Lieberman, don’t forget him…

“Acting on the good advice of Senator Joe Lieberman and other key members of Congress...”

Hear that? That was the last nail being driven into the coffin of Lieberman’s ’08 presidential bid.

“...we will form a new, bipartisan working group that will help us come together across party lines to win the war on terror. This group will meet regularly with me and my Administration, and it will help strengthen our relationship with Congress.”

Much like throwing two pit bulls into a ring strengthens their relationship...

“We can begin by working together to increase the size of the active Army and Marine Corps, so that America has the armed forces we need for the 21st century. We also need to examine ways to mobilize talented American civilians to deploy overseas, where they can help build democratic institutions in communities and nations recovering from war and tyranny.”

OMG he’s going to draft us all...

“In these dangerous times, the United States is blessed to have extraordinary and selfless men and women willing to step forward and defend us. These young Americans understand that our cause in Iraq is noble and necessary, and that the advance of freedom is the calling of our time.”

No, no they don’t.

The next two statements Bush makes are about how much he mourns the sacrifice these young people and their families have made, something about an empty chair at Christmas. I cannot comment on these statements because it makes me type things that will bring the FBI to my front door toot-sweet. Like how I'm ready to fly my flag at half-staff again. Oops, look, I did it anyway.

“Fellow citizens: The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice and resolve. It can be tempting to think that America can put aside the burdens of freedom.

Yet times of testing reveal the character of a nation.

And, throughout our history, Americans have always defied the pessimists (read:Democrats) and seen our faith in freedom redeemed. Now America is engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new century. We can and we will prevail.

We go forward with trust that the author of liberty will guide us through these trying hours. Thank you and good night.”

The author of liberty? The author of liberty??? One can only assume that he’s talking about Thomas Jefferson...either that or Dick Cheney.

So that was his speech. He stumbled. He stammered. He had a continuous look of pensive panic on his face. He still didn’t pronounce the word nuclear correctly. And this was supposed to instill confidence in the American people.

Looks like Bush's plan fails again.


You can read the speech, without all the pithy commentary, here.